MAT’S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS 2010:

I just had to post this from Mat's Raccoon Society blog. They're too funny to not be shared.

1. Learn how to become a great cat burglar.

2. Learn how to use swords

3. Start digging

4. Give less money to the homeless. They r insane.

5. Say "I was wonderful last night" every day to the guy that sells me my morning coffee-

6. Eat more spanish olives, or tangerines… foods that are round

7. Shirt: Yes, I do know what you are saying

8. Say "Fuck you, world" right before bed every night- just in case u die in your sleep.

9. Scowl at anyone who says, “have a good one.”

10. Take the shells off the peanuts

11. Get to know the REAL Will Smith. Not the one i hate from his countless movies, albums, interviews and appearances.

12. Stop referring to all Puerto Ricans as "ticking time bombs" and stop using the word Jihad in so many jokes

13. Call Elias by his real name, not Chupacabre, Jabberwalkie or The Human Carp

14. Start a deathmetal band called Holy Shit. If that’s taken, try Holy Fucking Shit, and start a rivalry with Holy Shit.

15. Drinking alone is perfectly fine. Doing a beer bong alone is kinda borderline.

16. Avoid Wyoming

17. Die in the Chelsea Hotel.

18. Don’t leave the house unless you really, really have to

19. Don’t use the term “ape shit” so casually.

20. Impersonate a priest... pretend to pray for people, they won’t know the difference… Maybe even get some free shit.

21. Walk with a limp and a cane... whenever anyone asks, “What happened?”, say, "I got gored running with the bulls in Pamplona." When they say, "Really?" , say, "Why the fuck would i make something up like that?"

22. Wear spy camera at all times

23. Don’t judge by Rock Me Amadeus alone; Really dive in to Falco’s entire catalog.

24. Stop eating Twix bars and salsa in my sleep

25. Spread the word that, unless you’re eating a beating frog heart in Singapore, your daily Tweets about your meals are not interesting.

26. Remind myself in the mirror every day, “If a band called Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch can sell 6 million albums, NOTHING is impossible.”

27. Stop dressing like i live in a bog.

28. Start carrying a tape measure around. Have an assistant follow me closely wearing a lab coat, holding a clipboard. Periodically stop and measure random peoples’ shit, (their coffee cup, table leg, sandwich, etc…) As the assistant collects the data, alternate between looking pleased with some measurements and VERY unpleased with others.

29. Start a rock band called Suspicious Package.

30. Start a gay DJ duo called Delicious Package.

31. Make them fight